:) (Taken with Instagram)
Frustrated :(
My hope is that once I get this rant out of my system that I will be able to let it go and move on. I am incredibly frustrated that I seem to be the only person when Amanda isn’t here that either knows how to do anything or “put fires out”. Bank deposit is short? Maggie will take care of it. iPhone wasn’t received in properly? Maggie will take care of it. And although I would love to take a hands off approach, I can’t. I would like to think about management in the future, and this is the kind of stuff that would be done. But I love that this morning, the boys have sales and I don’t have anything because I took care of the deposit issue, took care of the iPhone issue, received in, stickered and put away all phones, took care of a customers warranty replacement phone…all while they got sales. I just hate situations like this where I feel like I’m the only one who fucking does anything. Grr!!!
I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.
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| — | The Holiday (via wordsthat-speak) |
trust
I’ve been having a hard time with this topic lately. I’ve been burned alot in the past - by friends, by boys - people who were supposed to care about me, and as it turns out, really didn’t. I’m a nice person - I always have been. The kind of girl who will do anything I can to help a friend or person I care about in need. The kind of girl who would overextend herself to help someone, even if they really didn’t deserve it. And this behavior has gotten me hurt too many times to count. In the past I wrote it off, saying it was my nature and that changing my nature would be going against who and what I am. And that’s definitely not me. And lately I’ve wondered if going the polar opposite would make the difference. If I would only help those who actually deserve it, maybe I would save myself the hurt. Or if I stopped extending myself to anyone. Maybe that would be the key. I don’t honestly know where I land on that scale. I’m not the kind of girl who would close myself off completely, but I also think I’m a little wiser than I used to be and that I’ve taken the steps to protect myself a little better.
My natural inclination is to not trust someone who has burned me in the past. I put up walls and make sure I’m not gonna get hurt again. But what if this person has legitimately changed? What if they truly feel bad for their past transgressions, and want to rectify the situation? Does that mean that I should trust them now? I would like to think that I’m a good judge of character, that I can tell when someone is being sincere and honest. And if it seems like they have changed, do I go back? If I don’t try then I’ll never really know for sure.
What’s actually funny about all of this is that in the end, I’m the only one who can truly make this decision. I can ask everyone’s opinion, but in the end, I’m the one that’s gotta decide whether or not to bite the bullet and take the plunge. (wow that was two metaphors in the same sentence :)) I guess we shall see…
